By popular demand, I’ve decided to write an update to my WILDLY CLICKED-UPON post covering the ins-and-outs of vegan youtube drama. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from people already aware of the vegan vitriol on YouTube.
Others have brought to my attention the fact that this is a topic that many struggle to care about. Here’s why you should waste some time on this. Because of the internet, in only a few short years vegan YouTubers have created the number of warring factions and level of infighting that used to take even really bad bitches decades to pull together. Commenter etudooventolevou put it best, referring to these YouTube channels as a “bizarre, deconstructed reality show.”
Vegans with the most abrasive, intense personalities get the most attention. Some of them truly believe that plant-based diets will help turn this global warming choo-choo around, so they take to YouTube to spread the good word and save us all from the end of days. When you think that your personal eating habits are helping to save the planet, it tends to go to your head.
About me: I’m not a nutritionist, and I have zero input on the reasonableness of these diets. My only mission is to give you a peep into the wild world of online vegans.
Fully Raw Kristina’s Fully Raw Slam Poetry Special
My WordPress stats tell me a lot of people have come to my blog because they googled the phrase “Is fully raw kristina a fake bitch?” It turns out this is a question on A LOT of people’s minds. So many people, in fact, that The Fully Rawness herself decided to put out this video.
Am I Fake? Kristina ventures to offer an answer through her first-ever beat poetry slam sesh. In this #fullyraw poem, she finally proved once and for all just how sincere she truly is.
Based on the lyrics, it turns out that she sincerely does believe that she is God’s fruity messiah, shooting down from heaven on a rainbow of papayas, mangos, raspberries, figs, and a bunch of other organic produce you can’t afford.
Just because I am happy doesn’t mean I don’t experience dark moments. That I haven’t been hurt or shamed or broken. Being happy doesn’t mean that I am a fake or a plastic, or that I am inexperienced, or dumb or any less fantastic.
It just means that I have chosen to shine my light through the darkness. I’ve chosen to shine brighter than any obstacle placed before me, because I know that I am incredible human being.
Before I saw this video, I had been toying with the idea that maybe I had judged Kristina too harshly. Living in Austin, I meet a lot of transplants from California, and I’ve notices that they all want to trick you into believing that they are deeply simple. “Color makes me happy!” they’re fond of saying. “I just want to be a good person,” they’ll tell you, with a straight face.
After I studied the lines of her poem, I put aside all doubt. At one point she utters the words “Self-hate can only be destroyed with self-appreciate.” I’ve crunched the numbers and only a complete sociopath would force a rhyme that hard. She goes on to say:
“I run in fields of bluebells and wildflowers. I fall in love with me all over again. I give hugs and bring color into my life…Inspiring you brings me joy.”
When she’s not inspiring you and running through fields of wildflowers, she is allegedly threatening legal action against Rawvana, another vegan youtuber who who made a recipe video for watermelon salsa that is “confusingly similar” to Kristina’s watermelon gazpacho recipe.
Take this information with a grain of salt, since it comes from her arch-enemy, Harley Johnstone, more commonly known by his YouTube username “Durian Rider.”
But their beef is old news. Durian Rider and his partner have moved on to fresh meat.
Freelee Banana Girl and Durian Rider vs. Bikini Body
Freelee the Banana Girl and Durian Rider are, forgive me, the TOP BANANAS :):):) of the vegan YouTube world. This Australian couple spends a lot of time being infuriated with the flabby, nutritionally imbalanced bodies of other YouTubers.
Freelee’s channel started attracting a lot of attention when she posted a video of herself eating 51 bananas in a single day, for her health.
Freelee relies on a lot of basic bitch keywords. She uses clickbait titles and makes sure to stuff her videos with pictures of newly fat celebrities to ensure her shit has some tight SEO. She has a lot of videos with titles like “Sexy fruitarian girl dancing in underwear.”
She caused a stir most recently with her now-infamous “What Do YOU Think?” video.
You shouldn’t have the choice to be vegan or not, she argues. The planet is almost over, and your pepperoni pizza should instantly qualify you for the guillotine.
Freelee’s endless wrath has resulted in a bit of a sticky wicket, which is an Australian term meaning anti-defamation lawsuit. Kayla Itsines, a trainer who wrote the 12-week Bikini Body Training Guide, threatened to sue the banana eater. Freelee and Durian Rider made several videos stating Itsines’ instructions encouraged starvation. To avoid a lawsuit, Freelee and Durian Rider agreed to stop making videos about Itsines and settled out of court.
Freelee and Durian Rider’s supporters gathered outside the courthouse, chanting the Freelee’s catchphrase “Carb the fuck up,” as the famous fruitarians went to reckon with the Bikini Body.
It stands to reason that more than one person had the following thought: “When I see my favorite person who eats the bananas on the internet for a living in trouble, I’m ready to take time out of my day to show support for her banana lifestyle. Bananas, banana people, bananas forever.”
Kayla. Freelee. You’re both super skinny. Can we leave it at that?
Vegan Gains is the biggest phenomenon to sweep the vegan YouTube community. He is a boy wonder when it comes to incensed vegan indignation.
He also has the testosterone-fueled angst of youth, and a nearly impenetrable Canadian accent. He punctuates his videos with screen caps of scientific studies and cutaways to horrifying scenes of animal slaughter.
Vegan Gains is best known for his series “Worst of the Fitness Industry,” wherein he lampoons popular Youtube fitness gurus for their “bro-science” and promotion of meat, eggs, and protein powders as a nutritional basis for building muscle.
Like so many young men I’ve learned to avoid, he claims to worship logic above all else. If only everyone else could pull their heads out of their poop chutes and start using a little more LOGIC. Speaking of which, watch Vegan Gains rip these two assholes a twin pair of new assholes.
“Here we have two people who fail to understand the big bang theory, which I even as a 5-year-old child could understand thanks to Bill Nye the Science Guy.”
Vegan Gains is deeply impressed by his own intellect, so much so that you might mistake him for not being fun at a party.
Here is some footage from his birthday:
But don’t you see? He’s trying to save the world! Cows are dying, the glaciers are melting, and people are eating the wrong kind of burritos! It’ll all be worth it in the end.
His rage has expanded to include YouTube personalities outside of body building, including Trisha Paytas, aka blndsundoll4mj. Paytas is best known for being a plus-sized porn personality. She has spearheaded national discourse about lady fat. Is it good? Do we like it? Does it belong on our asses? She gives a resounding “Yes!”
Especially in this music video (DON’T WATCH THIS, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES): Continue reading