EAVESDROPPER 4 Eva! No. 1 – Potty-mouthed skippedy-doos


I sat at Buzmill, reading an anthropological study. Then I noticed some weirdos, and took some field notes.

These gals wore matching outfits – tight black tops and high-waisted short shorts, short enough that their cheeks flapped, sparse and smacky, as they walked. Their shoes made it clear they had specifically consulted each other on their outfit du jour. They were unusual shoes, with chunky heels and witchy straps.

I love eavesdropping. I think to myself, “I’ll use this scintillating conversation in my upcoming novel! It’ll make it sound so REAL!” But when you write things that sounded funny out loud, it becomes clear that what people say usually makes terrible dialogue. I’ll prove it!

The taller, alpha one, who seemed like she had picked the outfits, talked like this:

“Fuck this, they have to be fucking kidding, the fucking trash hadn’t been moved in weeks, how the fuck do they think I fucking get any fucking tips, right? And then I was like, ‘Is that a fucking dog?’ Like, are you fucking with me right now? How many fucking times, man? Fuck.” Then she looked around to see if anyone was witnessing her shocking abuse of the English language. I was staring pretty blatantly, transcribing away.

When I say tall, I mean very tall, her posture hunched from continual stooping. Her body radiated outward from the awkward epicenter of the button of her high-wasted, cut-off jean shorts. Tattoos adorned her right wrist. She looked like someone determined to age quickly.

They were good friends. They shared their troubles.

The shorter one complained, “I told her, like, 17 jokes, and she made this face the whole time.” (She made a dour face.) “And they were GOOD jokes.”

The taller one scrolled through an online catalog of assault rifles as she listened. It looked like you could check which assault rifle you wanted, for easy adding to your online shopping cart. She responded, “I can’t deal with people who don’t think I’m funny. I made a playlist at work, called ‘Songs to smash to.’ I think my boss thought it was funny.”

Then they watched Youtube videos and painted their nails.

All that eavesdropping. and once again. I have nothing to work with.


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