Puppies + free beer. It’s not for me.

SXSW starts today. Already I’m so stressed by the huge influx of people I’ve started drinking at unusual times and all my hair has fallen out.

Yesterday, I brought my roommate, who thinks live music is GARBAGE, to a SXSW event I thought she could stand. During Puppy Hour, anyone can waltz into the Austin Pet Relocation building and grab a free beer from a keg and a cuddle with any available puppy.

The event was packed, ringing with cries of “PUUPPPEEEE!” Only 7 or 8 puppies were available for interviews. It was a whirl of free beer and an overwhelming need to project misplaced maternal instincts on tiny, exhausted dogs. Whoever held a puppy had to withstand jealous, drunken glares from the other humans. Eventually one of the pet adoption agency employees gathered all the especially dazed puppies, saying they needed to take an uninterrupted nap to recover from their 5-hour stint of constant manhandling. Everyone hated her.

Coors Light is normally not fancy enough for Her Contemptibleness. But under certain circumstances, one must adapt to survive. “This is probably similar to the watered-down mead that viking children would have drunk each and every morning, and who knows better than the vikings?” we reasoned.

Amanda immediately made some judgement calls about the puppies available. Elephant, the tiny blond boxer that immediately fell asleep once it had a shoulder, met with approval. So did the black boxer, and the dachshund, and the collier. But the mutts did not impress.

I staked out a spot near the puppy camera, while Amanda wrestled a nearby stranger for a pleasingly pedigreed puppy. Then I practiced my blank, morose stare that I would use to intimidate our new puppy friend into loving me.

Puppy 1

M’roommate found the least cooperative puppy in the building. Overstimulated and feeling confident he had already won over enough of the crowd to ensure an adoption, dear little Fido didn’t feel pressured to impress.

puppy 2

Wicked beast! Stop struggling! Why can’t he ever think of MY needs?

puppy 3

Afterward, Miss Roommate was so annoyed I had to have her put down.


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