EMERGENCY PRE-VALENTINE’S DAY POST: Do not buy a giant teddy bear until you hear what I have to say

Love is so crazy! It makes you fat, it makes you skinny, it makes you take your pants off without thinking about what you look like in your nasty little underpants, you fat/ skinny monster.

It almost always makes you better, even if you feel worse. Mostly because it forces you to ponder the unknowable: What the fuck does the light of my stupid life want?

Recently, sitting in a waiting room, I was forced against my will to watch a commercial for this unspeakable product:

size matters

Big Hunka Love, the 4-foot tall teddy bear of all your erotic fantasies. In the ad, a man gives a woman flowers, and she makes a face at him like, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with these disgusting, thoughtless plants? I SPECIFICALLY asked you for something that would make me feel overheated and weird when I’m alone in my bed at night!”

Then, a shot of wilted flowers in a vase. The voice over says something like, “Flowers are girly bullshit! And then you have to throw them away after a couple days!” PRECISELY. This is why I, personally, love flowers. They’re goddamn pretty, and then they get out of your face forever.

UNLIKE A CERTAIN 48 INCH FOOL BEAR I KNOW. When you decide to throw it away, after you break up with the meth-addled carnie who gave it to you,  it won’t fit in any of the trashcans you own. You have to drive it to a dumpster, like a common murderer.

Eat, drink, trash, cash. Once you reach adulthood, your gifts to other adults should fall exclusively under one of these categories.

Another wonderful segment shows a skinny, tube-topped woman looking bitchily at the viewer, upending a heart-shaped box of chocolates onto the floor. “Sure, chocolates are tasty, but soon she’ll be asking you if she looks fat!” Red words flashed across the screen: “Don’t go there!”

Does your girlfriend already hate you? Good! She almost certainly reads books about strong, devious men who are better lovers than you are. Base, covered:

50 shades bear

This brings me to my next point. Stuffed animals are for children. I know the woman seductively peeling back her nighty to reveal her belly button wants you to think differently, but she is trying to seduce you with her belly button (classic rookie mistake!) and has not yet come into her womanhood.

bad idea

Moreover: Do you like the idea of a tiny, anthropomorphic bear playing the role of your sex butler?  How many times a week do you feel like your sex life is missing something, and that something is children’s toys? I hope this is a sting operation and the NSA is taking down the names of everyone who ordered the Teddy with a Teddy and putting them in some kind of In the Event of an Apocalypse, These Will Be the First to Go – type file.

If I haven’t convinced you yet, allow me to introduce the $100.00. price tag.

hunka love

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy lots of other stupid things. So don’t panic. Just make a big fucking bowl of pasta, because that’s all anyone really wants.

P.s. After all this yammering, I have to face it: I really want the 50 shades bear. Look at those teensy widdle handcuffs!

P.p.s. Women, am I right?


4 thoughts on “EMERGENCY PRE-VALENTINE’S DAY POST: Do not buy a giant teddy bear until you hear what I have to say

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