2014 Austin Snowfu: Being a Marylander in Texas makes you feel like someone from Michigan anywhere else

Every winter is the winter of my discontent, because I hate winter right down to its frosty little butthole. Full disclosure: From what I can gather, my DNA is more reptile than human, as I am completely happy only when basking on a hot rock.

So when snow came to Austin and the people lamented, I was right there with them.  Growing up on the East coast, I had always dreamed of fleeing winter. There is nothing cute about deadly icicles or hat hair. I’m almost insufferable enough to claim I suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder, but not quite. So no little sunshine lamps for me, but I did get a humidifier when temps started to drop, because the air becomes intolerably dry with the heat on and I have to keep MOIST. (Remember the reptile thing.)

But when Texans started smashing their cars together because they’d rather be in a coma than look at winter one minute longer, I withdrew my support.

Below, if you squint, you’ll notice the exact amount of snow required to shut down Austin schools. Oh, and there was a whispered rumor of ice somewhere. Not enough ice to make you slip if you were walking, but enough to make people in Austin get in car wrecks the size of several city blocks. Everything’s bigger in Texas! Especially vehicular tragedies, I’ve noticed.


Notice the plastic bag in snow.  I regret to inform you that it contains Bisquick infested with baby cockroaches.

My roommate was beside herself, and felt absolutely no pity for the cooing infant cockroaches, who were just padding themselves with pancake mix to keep warm like everybody else. She put the bag outside in the snow so the Bisquick could think about what it had done.

Both neighbors in the apartments above me scurried outside to frantically scrape away the soft dusting of a purely decorative amount of snow, nervously gripping sand shovels. Then they scrambled into their cars, peeled out of the parking lot and sped to the store to purchase Takis and Lonestar, because who knows when this could happen again. On the way they crashed several times.


This is what the snow looked like at 10 am the morning they cancelled school, so I guess if someone spilled a slushy somewhere at some point they would also have to cancel school.


The only thing that makes this disgusting winter wonderland bearable is the knowledge that booty shorts and alarming droughts are always just around the corner. Below: Completely normal February forecast.

weather outrage


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