I made zucchini fries last Wednesday. I was so innocent then, with no inkling that FedEx was in the process of shoving all of my clothes into the abyss.
I followed this recipe, forwarded to me by the same person who showed me how to make a bong out of an apple when I was around fifteen. “And then when you get the munchies, you can have a healthy snack!” Rarely has she steered me wrong.
As the recipe states, the only tricky part is getting the panko coating to stick. I recommend actually following the recipe and working with very small batches of coating. I have too fiery a spirit for measuring cups, so things got messy.
TIp: When you’re looking for panko at your local grocery store, stop looking, throw your shopping basket down on the ground and scream that if you don’t get some goddamn panko right quick, you’re going to rip your own beating heart out of your chest, stuff it with normal breadcrumbs and gunpowder, eat it, and await a martyr’s death, because no grocery store ever puts the panko in an aisle that makes sense. Next, a helpful employee will direct you to the panko. He will hand you a red pill, the pill that allows you to see past the fabric of your flimsy reality, finally allowing you to spot the bourgeois foodstuffs aisle that was invisible to you previously. This is also where they keep the tahini.
The coating turned out crunchy and lovely, and the zucchini itself had a firm but juicy texture. People who don’t like zucchini stir-fried would do well to try this recipe. Indeed, with any vegetable you think is gross, try roasting it before you declare it inedible. Roasting brings out sweetness you wouldn’t taste otherwise, without the unpleasant, mushy texture so often associated with cooked zucchini.
I made a basic marinara for dipping: onion, garlic, a bay leaf, lots of red pepper flakes, oregano, a can of tomato sauce and a few raw tomatoes I spotted on the counter, looking shiftless and past their prime, like paunchy, middle-aged bureaucrats.
Chop onions more carefully than I do, kids.